at the time the only way i could descibe how i felt was heartbreak. though i was never in love - in fact, i dispised that job - the only thing i had to compare that heat you feel from head to toe, the utter shock and denial, was when i lost the one i loved.
id never doubted myself so much, id always excelled at everything i did, when i put the effort in. so for some greasy italian prick to turn around and tell me my best was not good enough for his unrealistic, sexist standards, was not something i was prepared for. Merry fucking christmas to you too.
holidays came and went, new year, birthday, none really sinking in. 22 doesnt feel any different to 21. i spent alot of time on my own. id forgotten what my own head sounded like, a 60 hour week doesnt leave much time for self reflection. i hit quite a low, stuck it one tiny room in the middle of no where was propably not the best idea, and i very nearly slipped back into that hole when i transfered myself to another little room somewhere else. but this somewhere else was home. good old St Albys.
the day i decided to get out of bed and hand out some of the million and one copies of ‘CV of Laura Denning Bsc (hons)’ was the day i realised that i was actually worth something. I only handed out 4. and i got interviews from 3.
I know the hospitality industry isnt the most glamorous of places to make a living, but its what im best at, and it feels amazing to have that recognised again. For people to look at me (or the professional on paper version) and say yes, we’d love for you to come work with us, is a feeling that yet again i can only compare to love. everyone wants to be wanted, whether its by another person, or an employer, being lonely is not a subject ive enjoyed studying.
so im looking at a 35hour week with the snug, which seems like heaven compared to what was expected of me before. I know the money wont be as good, but ive still got two more interviews to go yet. Ill get by somehow. This granny flat with the smallest kitchen in the world maybe 500quid of my hard earned money every month, but its my flat. Its not student digs paid for by the government. its not some swanky town centre pad paid for by daddy either. its mine.
so now the biggest part of my life is falling into place again, and hopefully this time ill actually enjoy it and keep hold of it. but now, that little nagging feeling in the back of my mind which i havnt had the time to think about, seeing as i was already in a full time relationship with my career, is peeking out to say ‘hey, isnt it about time you stopped putting all your energy and emotion into those numbers on a screen at a cash point, and start thinking about YOU for a second?’
I feel ready to let someone into my life again. it doesnt hurt to look the past in the face anymore. ive decided to stop being shallow, though i didnt realise i was until i decided to stop. if that makes sense. evryone diserves a chance, and i didnt realise that until i needed one. ive only ever been on one ‘date’ and that was a comedic shambles to say the least, but i know he’s as shy as me, so im guessing itl be a case of ‘whats your favourite’s’ and such. either way its another step forward.
not long ago i would have traded everyting to be back in Telford Court the day my parents drove off and left me to start my new life. but now i realise that everything i went through, good and bad, is why im here now. and i wouldnt change anything. the start of the rest of your life doesnt happen once. its a decision. one that ive made, so i guess the fortune cookie was right…
‘All your hardwork will soon pay off’